The Greatest Video You'll Ever Watch

Hello Procrastinators!

Goths raving to Thomas the Tank Engine. Bad combo? Think again!

Connor x

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Expectations Vs. Reality of Moving Away From Home

Hello Procrastinators!

This week we're going to be taking a look at the expectations vs reality of moving away from home. It's something we all have to go through at some point and when it hits you're like a snail out of its shell, vulnerable, stinking and cold. 

1. Being warm

Expectation: I'm going to love living in such a cute little house with the heating always on full blast all cosy and warm in the living room with my friends!


Reality: It costs HOW MUCH? Fuck that. Get your jumpers on lads!

2. Sharing food

Expectation: It's going to be so great this year. Me and all my housemates can fifth the food bill and we can all cook family meals together and eat around the dinner table.


Reality: That bitch ate TWO more chicken nuggets than I did. And she got a handful more crisps. That's it. I'm done. I'll buy my own food. FUCK ALL Y'ALL!

3. Your student house being homely

Expectation: FAIRY LIGHTS FAIRY LIGHTS FAIRY LIGHTS FAIRY LIGHTS. THROWS. CUSHIONS. CANDLES. THE FIRE ON.


Reality: Someone stained my throw with a glass of coke and didn't even wipe it up? What kind of slobs am I living with? Fine, let's all have the ugly green sofas on show! 

4. Getting to decorate your room the way you want

Expectation: FINALLY my dictator parents can't tell me what to do. Oh my god I can have ALL my Yankee candles on display and all my favourite band posters up so everyone can know how cool and edgy I am.


Reality: LOL NOPE. Bitch you're not allowed blue tack, sellotape OR candles. That shit is worse than drugs to the room inspectors. Keep it out or keep it hidden unless you want a £50 fine.

5. Making loads of cool new mates

Expectation: Everyone I live with is going to get me. We'll be BFFs forever and lifelong pals.


Reality: You end up with one person with severe socialisation difficulties, one person who's too goth to talk to anyone wearing colours, a chav who you fear might stab you at some point while you sleep, and a guy you're pretty sure is a necrophiliac cannibal. Nope nope nope.

6. Having a clean kitchen

Expectation: We can have a cleaning rota! We can all take turns and share all of the household chores so we can live in a well cared for, clean home and never be embarrassed.


Reality: GUYS MY MUM'S COMING TOMORROW! EMERGENCY CLEAN-UP REQUIRED! HEEEEEEEEEELP! 

7. The bin being taken out

Expectation: We can all take turns like decent human beings to take the bin out because really no one likes touching bin juice.


Reality: Two housemates deny the full bin is even in existence in the kitchen and keep piling more junk on top of it, one housemate is in full meltdown mode over how messy everything is, and one housemate ends up being the skivvy who always has to take it out.

8. Life not being too expensive

Expectation: I can't wait to go out all the time and have fun and go for meals and buy new clothes and life is going to be so amazeballs and exciting.



Reality: I didn't need those new tights anyway, these have only got three ladders in. I can pretend I'm going out for a meal by eating on the front doorstep. We can go to the Railway museum for something to do tomorrow because I heard it's free entry. Those 9p noodles look really good. Right, guys? Right?!?!

9. Having crazy house parties

Expectation: Mum and dad's not here anymore, FUCK DA POPO LET'S PARTY!



Reality: Guys the on-campus warden's just said we can't blast Celine Dion that loud any more and if we keep it up she'll make sure we get kicked out. Movie night, anyone?



What do you think? Can you relate to any of these or have you got any more you can add to the list? Let us know in the comments below!

Jess x

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Tragic but True Photos

Hello Procrastinators!

We've got another round of tragic but true photos to get you through these two last days until the weekend...

#bibleflaws

Dogwood Park

"Your girlfriend's new favourite restaurant"

But the cat looks so pleased

You'll read this in his voice

True dat

Goddamn

WHAT'S IN THERE YOU MONSTER

Something we can all relate to...

So if that doesn't inspire you to have no goals in life I don't know what will.

Jess x

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Top 9 Tragic But True Photos

Hello Procrastinators!

It's Thursday, which from what we know from Rebecca Black is the day after Wednesday and it's only a day until Friday and two days until Saturday but it's been, like, three days since Monday but tomorrow you need to get your bowl and get your cereal. Or something.

Here's some pictures for your mouth to laugh at.

Remember this when you're binging on series three of House of Cards

Source

Scooby Doo did something other than promote casual drug usage?!?!

Source

Oh, Daniel

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"Cannot Be Unseen."

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"Tuition Fees"

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Scarlett really looks like she wants to die, doesn't she?

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Long but worth

Source

Or like, even harder

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Leaving the best 'til last. My favourite

Source

Jess x

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Nonsense News

Hello Procrastinators!

Here are five of the cringiest, funniest, stupidest news articles of the week! We've got Kanye West uncharacteristically taking on projects he's vastly underqualified for and pants ruining careers...

Would ya?

27 Year Old Man Wants To Make A Baby Using Craigslist
If there's one thing you do today, make it be looking at this guy's pictures. Apparently his advertisement has been taken down now but there's still screenshots available. This suave guy listed all of his own amazing traits and attributes that could possibly be inherited by his future offspring (such as strong muscles because he's been working out recently - seriously.) and is looking for a woman/uterus to carry his heir. He obviously can't be bothered with flowers and date nights and has taken matters into his own hands to start a family. And what a catch he is. 

Jesus is my homeboy

Pope Francis Compares Transgender People To Nuclear Weapons
Pope Francis has said a lot of things that have actually been kind of forward thinking for someone who is the mouthpiece of all devout Christians. He has to be careful with what he says, surely, being the representative of such a massive religion and influential figure for billions of people worldwide? Clearly that only rings true if what he says isn't offensive to straight, white, males. Apparently they "destroy creation." Well, if any trans people are reading this, Cheeky Chinwag would rather have you round for tea than the pope, ANY day of the week. Stay classy, Pope.

Zero. The answer is zero.

Canadian Lawmaker Misses Voting Because Of Cheap Pants
Apparently Pat Martin bought half price underwear that was too tight so he couldn't sit around for very long. That meant he couldn't fulfil his job requirements as an over-paid, under-worked politician. But he apologised and everyone laughed at him, so that's okay. He should have just used like half a mil of his expenses to buy some Calvin K pants. Maybe next time.

You rang who with your what now?

Thieves 'Butt Dial' And Leave Voicemail Describing Their Crime
I'm no thief but I could have probably told these two idiots how much they did-dun mess things up. Firstly, they robbed their OWN EMPLOYER. They work at the place they robbed. Like they wouldn't be identified! And secondly, and most brainlessly, they managed to ring their office, with their arses, and somehow get caught explaining the whole robbery. I don't know about you but I check my phone even before I'm about to say something bad about someone, just in case.

urmagerd I lurv virdeogermes

Kanye West To Make A Video Game About His Mum
Ah, Kanye. Rapping was never going to be enough for you, was it? We've heard your attempts to sing. And we've all seen the thirteen year old male wannabes who wear knee-length leather t-shirts because of you. It's not big. It's not clever. And now you want to influence us even more with video games. Not just any old video game but one centred around your late mother who must pass into higher stages of heaven. Please. Please, don't.



So there you have it. You can officially now feel better than other people. It's just like an episode of Geordie Shore.

Jess x

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Review: The Wedding Ringer (2015)

To give a summary of this film: I have never laughed so hard or so much in the cinema in my whole life. As the film was only released yesterday (I saw this on Saturday 21st February) I was expecting mega packed screens full of annoying teenagers showing off in front of their friends by shouting random shit during the adverts. We prebooked hours before the film was due to start and picked a late showing just in case. 

THE best scene

We needn't have bothered, as the cinema was only half full (and that's probably being generous). However it meant no awkward elbow armrest battles or finding somewhere to shove my coat and bag. I'd seen the advert for the film before Taken 3 and was surprised how much we all laughed at just the preview, and Kevin "you gon' learn TODAY" Hart in a starring role just the week after we binge-watched all of his stand up shows seemed like a pretty good sign to see this film. I am so glad I did.

"The Boys"

I wasn't expecting much; a generic run-of-the-mill type romcom maybe saved by the natural comedic talent of Kevin Hart. What we got in return was a hilariously eccentric dog-with-rabies-crazy film that had the whole screen belly laughing the whole way through. There wasn't a dud joke or a filler scene. Well, maybe except for when there was about ten minutes dedicated to emotional, slushy dialogue about how women are "naturally more nurturing" and how friendships are so amazingawesomeemotionallyfulfilling. Aside from that every scene is surprising and fresh.

The characters are quite stereotypical and they do generalise men and women, black, white and Hispanic, old and young; but in such a short time frame they haven't got time or capabilities within a comedy to make new and fully rounded characters for the audience to bond with. In this film, stock characters still make for cheek-achingly hilarity that doesn't feel old or overdone. However the soundtrack is great, with forgotten tracks like The Big Bang by Rock Mafia ft. Miley Cyrus - which I'm sure was a reference to Kaley Cuoco-Sweeting who plays the blushing bride annoyingly, bitchily well.

The Bachelor Party

The film obviously took some inspiration from films such as The Hangover and Bridesmaids and definitely Hitch and even from Kevin Hart's own stand up material but that made it no less entertaining. My friend and I predicted practically the whole plot from the very beginning scenes with minor details being incorrect but that didn't take away from how much I rooted for the main characters and was excited to see the comeuppance of the bridezilla. But comedies are, by their very nature, formulaic, and this film didn't try and veer away from standard procedures, but the end result is something I'd happily pay to go and see again.

The film hasn't been advertised nearly enough and if you read the ratings on Google there's not a chance this film will do well; but if you take a chance on this risk-avoiding film you will honestly not be disappointed. Kevin Hart and Josh Gad work so well together and on a second viewing I'm sure more subtle jokes will be found. Ten minutes after we left the cinema I understood the joke Hurley from Lost's character cracks just as the film finishes. For what that is... you'll have to watch and see!

9/10

Jess x

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