So, we all know the Daily Mail isn't the most reliable source of information ever. But it's still fun reading it to see who's had to avoid walking around puddles today. I'm sure you've seen this before:
Yeah. Whoever that writer was that managed to make a story out of that, preeeeetty impressive.
So there's now a new story coming out about how your star sign can determine your weight loss. I thought it was basic knowledge that although it's fun to read your star sign, we all know it's complete bollocks? The same thing written about 1/12 of the whole population? Obviously it's not going to be tailor made for you alone. But it's fun to read and try and find some really tedious link to apply it to your own life. Anyway an "astrologer" called Gillian Knowles has decided for the whole nation what each star sign should be doing. Because obviously she knows us all so well and dieting/healthy eating isn't a completely personal thing. I also love that DM have put this article in the "Health" section of their site like it's actually going to benefit anyone.
Here's a breakdown of what she said.
ARIES
Go into competition with someone for losing weight. Focus on proteins rather than carbs.
(Let's hope you're competitive then because otherwise this is going to crash and burn. And why proteins?? She gives literally no explanation)
TAURUS
"starvation diets could make you feel deprived and pretty miserable." - Gillian Knowles.
No shit, Sherlock!!!! You don't have to be Taurus to feel miserable when you're starving yourself.
Apparently you should avoid sugar and over-rich foods. But shouldn't anyone who's trying to lose weight?!
GEMINI
Avoid fast foods.
But I thought we all went to KFC and Burger King when we were trying to shift some pounds??
Christ. If you need that explaining to you, don't even bother.
CANCER
"This is the sign of the nurturer and of course food and nutrition are all part of being nourished and cared for." - Gillian Knowles.
Yes because without food there's a strong possibility you would die. That's not even weight loss that's just like basic survival knowledge. Thanks for the insightful advice, Gillian.
Her top tip? Avoid unhealthy foods. Like she actually uses those words.
LEO
I think Gillian must be a Leo because she doesn't actually give them any advice, she tells them to basically ignore anyone that says anything bad about them and get someone to compliment you all the time. So this isn't actually weight loss tips this is just "how to be a narcissist".
VIRGOS
Make lists. Keep a food journal.
"Today I ate seven cheeseburgers, four fries and a strawberry milkshake for tea." But at least you wrote it down, so that's ok.
Top tip: go organic to avoid allergies.
What allergies?! I've never had allergies! What if going organic gives me allergies?
LIBRA
Again, literally no advice here except to find a diet and stick to it. But what diet? She gives no indication. You're out on your own, Libras. Gillian's not going to help you.
SCORPIO
"You will willingly undertake a strict, painful fast if you feel there is transformation at the end of it." - Gillian Knowles.
What?!?!??! WHHHAAAAATTTTTT. Don't ever tell people to starve themselves thin! That's the opposite of helping people. I sincerely hope no one seriously listens to her watery, made up bullshit because it could seriously damage people's health! I can't believe she actually promoted anorexia. Bitch.
SAGITTARIUS
"Tip: cream, salt and sugar all have healthier substitutes" - Gillian Knowles.
Okay, but what's your advice about how Sagittarius people should healthily lose weight? That's just eating substitutes for really bad things that should be avoided on a diet anyway. So basically nothing. We're near the end now, I think she's got no more ideas.
CAPRICORN
Apparently you should consume calcium. So get chugging that fatty, fatty milk!!
AQUARIUS
Don't get bored with your diet, basically. Great advice, Gillian.
Tip: replace alcohol with ginger beer
Or just, y'know, water or something healthy.
PISCES
Apparently you eat when you're thirsty and you need to dance more to release locked-in emotions. I think Gillian doesn't like you. She thinks you're a bit mental.
And there you have it. We're now all more knowledgable, wise and in touch with our bodies. Such sound advice. Thank you, Gillian.
Jess x
0 comments:
Post a Comment