Hello Procrastinators!
Here are five of the cringiest, funniest, stupidest news articles of the week! We've got Kanye West uncharacteristically taking on projects he's vastly underqualified for and pants ruining careers...
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| Would ya? |
If there's one thing you do today, make it be looking at this guy's pictures. Apparently his advertisement has been taken down now but there's still screenshots available. This suave guy listed all of his own amazing traits and attributes that could possibly be inherited by his future offspring (such as strong muscles because he's been working out recently - seriously.) and is looking for a woman/uterus to carry his heir. He obviously can't be bothered with flowers and date nights and has taken matters into his own hands to start a family. And what a catch he is.
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| Jesus is my homeboy |
Pope Francis Compares Transgender People To Nuclear Weapons
Pope Francis has said a lot of things that have actually been kind of forward thinking for someone who is the mouthpiece of all devout Christians. He has to be careful with what he says, surely, being the representative of such a massive religion and influential figure for billions of people worldwide? Clearly that only rings true if what he says isn't offensive to straight, white, males. Apparently they "destroy creation." Well, if any trans people are reading this, Cheeky Chinwag would rather have you round for tea than the pope, ANY day of the week. Stay classy, Pope.
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| Zero. The answer is zero. |
Canadian Lawmaker Misses Voting Because Of Cheap Pants
Apparently Pat Martin bought half price underwear that was too tight so he couldn't sit around for very long. That meant he couldn't fulfil his job requirements as an over-paid, under-worked politician. But he apologised and everyone laughed at him, so that's okay. He should have just used like half a mil of his expenses to buy some Calvin K pants. Maybe next time.
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| You rang who with your what now? |
Thieves 'Butt Dial' And Leave Voicemail Describing Their Crime
I'm no thief but I could have probably told these two idiots how much they did-dun mess things up. Firstly, they robbed their OWN EMPLOYER. They work at the place they robbed. Like they wouldn't be identified! And secondly, and most brainlessly, they managed to ring their office, with their arses, and somehow get caught explaining the whole robbery. I don't know about you but I check my phone even before I'm about to say something bad about someone, just in case.
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| urmagerd I lurv virdeogermes |
Kanye West To Make A Video Game About His Mum
Ah, Kanye. Rapping was never going to be enough for you, was it? We've heard your attempts to sing. And we've all seen the thirteen year old male wannabes who wear knee-length leather t-shirts because of you. It's not big. It's not clever. And now you want to influence us even more with video games. Not just any old video game but one centred around your late mother who must pass into higher stages of heaven. Please. Please, don't.
So there you have it. You can officially now feel better than other people. It's just like an episode of Geordie Shore.
Jess x
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